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Helpful Heartbreak

May 4, 2016
Credit to Tinybubbles

Credit to Tinybubbles

I know this isn’t my usual type of post, but today I got the chance to play mom when our 17-year-old foster daughter got her heart broken by the boy she’s been dating for the past 6 months. It’s not a role I play very often, but I found quite a few more life-lessons to be had in light of this particular situation…so here goes.

It has been said that some people would rather die than let an illusion die.

What a powerfully profound comment that is!

In addition to my seeing how she’s hurting, I am seeing how true this is – she had such a clear image in her brain of how she was starting to envision her life in the future.

Every moment she spent with him, or listening to music that she associated with the time they spent together, or thought of him…the more detailed and precise that illusion of her future with him became…until just half a year at the age of 17 and she feels as if her entire world has come crumbling down around her because she is beginning to hear from others and see for herself, that maybe he is (to coin a phrase) just not that into her.

It seems the straw that broke the back for our kiddo was hearing from a friend of this young man’s family, how habitual the behaviors that he is exhibited regarding her and how he is backing off now that the relationship is no longer fresh, new and exciting, seems to be something that he has done in other situations, time and time again. It seems, once her young man comes to the realization that (to coin another phrase) the thrill is gone, he backs off, begs for time to ‘do his own thing’ and pretty much moves on, emotionally.

If you are a young male, this more than likely makes perfect sense to you, but if you are of the female persuasion, this is a pretty crude and insensitive thing to do to the girl you’re about to take to prom this upcoming weekend. In a way, it’s actually worse than formally breaking up – because you’re not even owning up to the fact that you want out…you’re sort of just fizzling out and hoping she will be the one to tell you it’s over, so you don’t have to look like the bad guy. You can actually turn this into the preliminary ‘come-on’ you provide to the next girl who’s heart you’ll be breaking down the road – letting her know how you’ve got these trust issues because of how girls always hurt you and end up with other guys…Boo Hoo!

Credit To Eyetestonline

Credit To Eyetestonline

Okay, so back to the life lessons. Beginning with the concept of building illusions that we then hold onto, in ways where they begin to direct our behaviors our choices, our complete outlook on things… It becomes so difficult not to hurt and torment ourselves…we have put so much of ourselves into this make-believe future outcome. We have so much riding on it, that when it doesn’t produce the anticipated or expected results, we are not just upset…but to a certain degree, shattered.

It becomes nearly impossible to see through all those negative feelings, believing even if only for a moment, there may be something at play that we haven’t been able to see or realize clearly on our own. We are so focused on feeling let down or disappointed and sad, that is pretty much all we can see.

In the case of our foster daughter, just last week, she ran into a young man she had not seen in years who she is just beginning to talk about – someone whom she has told me throughout this week, seems to be very forthcoming about how grateful he is to have reconnected with her…someone who already seems to be more in balance with her than the young man she’s been ‘running after’ for the past 6 months.

I am in a position in my own life, to be able to see the outer workings of forces beyond her and her 17 year old world at play – not to draw the conclusion that this other young man will take the place of her current boyfriend in time (although this may indeed play out) but that he just happened into her life at a time when she needs to be able to see for herself what type of qualities she prefers in her close relationships – what qualities she appreciates and desires and how good it feels to feel valued rather than always being the one to initiate conversation, time together and couple activities.

Personally, I couldn’t have plotted the timing any better had I written the screenplay myself. So, I’m left, looking at the life-force that has moved the pieces of her chess board into an entirely new position…and I see it for just that, something greater than her, directing the scenes and placing before her what she needs to move forward in a stronger, healthier, more self-reliant manner than ever would have been. The heartache is unfortunate, but pretty much collateral damage when looking at all the bigger picture holds.

Credit to 1Folonion

Credit to 1Folonion

I too, have been given this grand landscape with which to point out, when she comes to me, not only the narrow point on the canvas, but also the background and the scenery in the distance. If we’re going to look at this image as it really is, we may as well break down all that there is in it; not just the parts that are close and easy to see.

One more thing I can walk away from this experience with is the consistent hope and belief that I too, by practicing bringing qualities such as faith and patience in my own life, will be able to see the landscape of pictures in things that occur to me, in my world…that I somehow see the inner working of events as they unfold to me – and I learn to let go of my false expectations and illusions and learn to let what will be, simply be.

Please feel free to share  your experience of “blessings in disguise” or events of this type below.

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